it's the only splash of colour in a greyscale world

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
- Isiah 40: 29-31

PROFILE

grace.

aka gracey
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Tuesday, 20 March 2007

A Letter to Someone
or, a summary of my feelings

Dear - ,

You'be probably forgotten all about it already, haven't you? You have other things to do, so many things, and other friends (better friends?) Life goes on, always. But me, I can't (or won't?) forget. Every time I think the wound has healed, something happens to open it again and make it bleed worse than before. Has it cut too deep to heal?

Perhaps you are right and it is all for the best. I think, maybe, God wanted to teach me to let go. (That some friends are not worth keeping?) Perhaps you are right and we are just not compatible as friends...

But I wish I could believe that deep in your heart you are sure of that! I wish I could look you in the eyes and ask you if that is what you really think. I wish I dared.

Because, you see, despite everything and all the pain and tears and anger, a little flame of hope still burns within. I wish I could snuff it out. Would it make me feel better? So that it wouldn't burn me any more?

I think your mind is made up, isn't it? You're not going to try. But the flame keeps burning. I can't (or won't?) stop it. But you're not going to try. I can't make you either. I think you are very deluded. I will be honest and I think you do not understand what friendship really means. Maybe I am wrong, but that's what you showed me even if you didn't mean to and didn't know. "If you are compatible with a friend, you will naturally clique together." That wasn't from you, but it is the kind of thing you would think and from a close source. And it is wrong wrong wrong. Every relationship needs effort! But it takes two to clap and even if one side puts in effort, nothing happens without the other.

You tear me in two. My emotions are so mixed, so tangled. I won't say I hate you; that's too strong a word. But I...am angry at you for some degree. Still, still you make me smile. The sight of you fills me with a bubbling hope. Reading through all our gmail chatlogs, our MSN history - it's something I like to do. It brings back so many memories.

Memories...I used to think you were so great. I looked up to you very much because you were an SL and chairperson and everything. I admired you. Now I don't hold you in the same respect anymore. I am being harsh: you have lost my trust. How can I look up to someone who has made decisions which I think are plain stupid?

And one of the reasons why it hurts so much - we both know that too much has happened. The memories are too bitter - for me, at least. I don't think I can ever be truly comfortable around you. You chose this! I asked you and let you choose. So please don't pretend that we can be friends. I know you don't mean to but that's the way my heart interprets it and it hurts. It hurts.

I've said so many mean things in this letter. I've been carrying them around for a while now but I've decided it's not good to keep it all bottled up. I don't know if you'll ever read this but I want you to know that I still care and always will...

Love,
Grace.

P.S. Bitter irony, isn't it? You used to ask me for advice and tell me all your friendship problems, but I never had any myself until I met you.

P.P.S. I suppose we'll never write that book together, will we?

Labels: letter

wings to the wind! at 8:41 pm