Wednesday, 24 October 2007
I've been reading up on urbandictionary.com (a website where users can submit definitions of words, so there are a lot of different points of view). It's very...educational.
I'm not an emo kid who cuts herself and has a black floppy fringe and tight jeans.
But I guess I'm emo in another sense, the internal sense.
Two definitions that struck me:
" "Emo Kids" are, to put it bluntly, constantly in the pursuit of the complete self-obliteration of any sort of perspective. Evident from the idolized paragons of emo culture(songs, that is) Emo kids dwell incessantly upon their emotions, usually of love, regret, heartbreak, and/or internal torment. To be frank, it seems that they simply cannot concentrate on anything other than themselves, while failing to realize that their dilemmas are not, in fact, very unique, and that everyone else in the world learns to deal with life...without forcing themselves to conform to some sickening subculture that only breeds self-imposed misery. "
" A term teens give to themselves when they feel that life has become pointless. What they don't realize is that when they say "No one understands me" there are hundreds of normal people that don't like life as much as the "emo" people do, and they just deal with it. Emo people are just hungry for attention, and they believe that this attention will get them somewhere. The irony is, you'd think that given how much they hate life, you never see an emo person actually kill themselves and get rid of it, rather, they continue posing and getting all the attention they can. "
That's what I've been doing, I think.
I lost my confidence/optimism but instead of bouncing back up I just let myself keep freefalling, didn't open my parachute. I'm just lucky I never hit terminal velocity.
There's so many people around me, trying to lift me up, but they can't help me if I don't help myself.
Neither can God.
I need to get back on my feet. Yeah, today's the day I leave it all behind. I've been an idiot since the _____ thing and other stuff happened but for the next year of my life...I'm gonna try and be a better person.
God, give me strength to carry it through.
I really really appreciate everything everyone's done for me. Thank you. Thank you so much.
And yes, I do read my tagboard, I just can't be bothered to reply (: Thanks for the tags. Reading them brings me joy.Labels: emo, self, thoughtful
wings to the wind! at 9:20 pm
Saturday, 7 July 2007
I've been writing random poetry (: I love poetry, but I'm not too good at it. Oh. Dear. I better get back to typing my RS minutes.
how,
how i loved your smile
and the way
it lit up a light
inside you, inside me
so bright!
when you smiled, you set wings free.
when
you smiled
i could imagine
that we weren't lovebirds in a golden cage
or shining goldfish in a round fishbowl
i could imagine the wind wasn't cold,
and the rainclouds weren't crying,
and the sparrows were flying.
who
were we, then,
to smile? nobody, anybody,
somebody
or two somebodies
sitting on the grass
and smiling at the storm
because we sat at its eye?
what
did we do?
we caught the speckled sparrows,
and we let the lovebirds out of their golden cage
and watched them fly
into the storm.
fluttering feathers, wings torn.
but why?
The next poem is very...vindictive.
if you were made of glass,
i would hit you,
and hit you again,
till you shattered
into a million fragments
then
you would know how heartbreak feels.
but after that, i'd kneel on the floor
and cut myself on shards
of memories,
pain.
crying over
diamond tears and broken glass-dreams.
Labels: emo, poetry
wings to the wind! at 10:36 pm
Thursday, 28 June 2007
We could change it. We could make it better; heal it. It'd only take a word, a smile, a few seconds...
But you don't have the courage - and neither do I.
I thought I was over it.Labels: emo, friends, sad
wings to the wind! at 3:21 pm
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Right now there’s only four things I really enjoy doing, and that’s sad.
1. Drawing/art
2. Playing the piano
3. Reading fiction
4. Sleeping.
Because, when I’m doing them I forget everything else.
I’m feeling depressed. A lot of bad stuff seems to have been happening. I was never emo until the end of last year; it’s linked to events that happened.
Sighs.
I’m not blaming anybody. Well, I am, but sort of…indirectly. I know it’s just self-pity. Unwanted self-pity, but I can’t seem to shake it off.
On the brighter side - I made myself a new blogskin :D
With one of my famous kitties on it.
And I updated, what, three consecutive days in a row!Labels: emo, life, sad
wings to the wind! at 9:18 pm
Monday, 14 May 2007
Once upon a time there was an apple. It was the most beautiful apple you'd ever seen - such a pure, bright red, unsoiled and unspoiled. It grew up on a protective, loving apple tree and eventually landed in a grocery store.
In the store, it spent its days wrapped and padded - wrapped in, in, you know, the white netting they use to wrap fruits to protect them. Its life was simple and it was happy.
One day. a little girl with her hair tied neatly in a ponytail skipped into the shop. She saw the apple. She saw the redness of it through the soft white netting. She liked it very much, so she bought it and brought it out of the shop cradled in her hands.
She took it to a nearby playground, but she didn't eat it. She talked to it, because she was only a child and children like to play pretend. So she pretended the apple was her best friend. The apple liked it very much and realised how much it'd been missing out sitting safe in a grocery store.
Then she saw the seesaw and decided to play a game. She put the apple on one end and sat on the other. Then she pushed down hard and tried to see how high she could bounce the apple. It thudded hard against the wood of the seesaw, till in the end its protective netting padding fell off.
Its red, red skin was scratched and bruised, horribly bruised.
Am I the girl, or am I the apple?
LOL I'm not making much sense right now. But I blogged on two consecutive days - I'm so proud of myself!Labels: apple, emo, friends, story
wings to the wind! at 10:16 pm
Wednesday, 4 April 2007
Warning: this is an emo, unhappy post. Plus all the thoughts are jumping around randomly.
I know a lot of people see me as a smiley person with a "constant happy medium" (quote Muni). Sydney the Buckle massdance capt commented that I'm always smiling and it's freaky.
Well I want to say that sometimes when I smile I'm not really smiling inside. It's hard to be happy when inside you're all broken and crying but I try my best. I try.
Over the past few weeks bad stuff seems to have kept happening and happening...my grades have all gone down. I think I really need to try harder.
All around me I see people unhappy. I wish I could help them, but I can't or don't dare. All around I see things going on that I don't think are right. I wish I could fix them, but I can't or don't dare.
I hate seeing people sitting alone in the canteen. It makes me wonder if they're lonely.
When people around me are sad, I'm sad too.
I know there are some things I can't help. I found this quote in a Terry Pratchett book recently:
"You can't build a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage."
I guess...sometimes you can't force people to be happy, or make them do what you think or know is right. They have to make that choice themselves. I learnt that the hard way, I think.
If only I could like everybody! If only everybody could like everybody else and everyone was nice to each other. The world would be a much happier place. There wouldn't be war or cliques or backstabbing or any conflict. But - I suppose that wouldn't work, because conflict is a way God tests us. And humans are born with a natural tendency towards conflict.
I feel so, so trapped sometimes. Caged. There so many things to do all the time and often I can't finish all of them.
I miss being in the same class as Szemin and my closest friends from onetwelve, being able to look around the class and smile at them whenever I wanted.
My new seat makes me claustrophobic. It's not El.
I've grown apart from many of the twelvers...I never see you guys around any more. I miss the familiarity and the twelver spirit. 210's a wonderful class, I'm not saying it's worse, but it's just not the same.
When I grow up, when I grow up I want to be an artist or writer. Maybe both. I think they have less restrictions and regulations and more freedom of expression. I can write or draw whatever I want...
Lord, help me to trust you always, even now.Labels: emo, sad
wings to the wind! at 9:38 pm
